They Blinded Us With "Science!"

I Want That Job... And I Promise To Do Even Better
I finally found my true calling the other day, when I had the sad fortune to find a dead bunny rabbit just off the front porch of our country home. I conducted a thorough examination of the bunny's carcass before properly disposing of it - by which I mean, I looked at it from a safe and comfortable distance. I could not see what might've caused the bunny's demise, so of course I concluded that the poor wretch paid the ultimate price for the sinful climate change caused by humankind.
That's when it hit me - I'm a scientist! And, far as I know, a famous one! After all, anyone who can take the most casual glance at the slightest evidence and conclude a case for man-made global warming has a bright (some might say hot) future in science.
Tell you what, power feels good. I will be consulted by all, and begged for my pronouncements about the evil sins of humans, as well as those of business owners, Republicans, and Tea Partiers. "They're killing the planet!" I'll cry. And they'll totally believe me, totally, because I'm a Scientist!
I mean, that's pretty much what Charles Monnett did, and look how famous he is. What? You don't recognize the name? Well, he's the Scientist who flew over part of the arctic and saw a couple of deceased polar bears floating in the ocean. Or they might've been beige Volkswagens. Or vanilla ice cream. Or unusually large bunnies, like the one I saw! No, Monnett says, they were definitely polar bears, and he was able to determine from the airplane ('cause he's a Scientist) that global warming (and therefore President Bush, Big Oil, and greedy wealth-building corporations) was the cause.
Of course, Monnett was just placed on leave pending an investigation into allegations of scientific misconduct. Outrageous! I mean, this is the very dude who started the whole global-warming craze. This is the dude Al Gore first read (or was read to) about, and whose "work" is one of the pillars upon which the whole man-made climate change argument is based! Why, the very idea of investigating this guy is proof of a vast global conspiracy against Science!
On the basis of Monnett's "science," we should stop the witch-hunts and get back to the noble work of gutting the entire worldwide free market, removing the U.S. from world "dominance," ensuring equal redistribution of resources to the entire planet, and putting a more environmentally-trustworthy superpower (such as China) in charge of the world's climate. Because if we don't, a few dead polar bears and/or Volkswagens will be the least of our worries!
As part of the next generation of famous Scientists, I promise to do better. I promise to stick to Science, to obey its guiding principles, to remain objective and report only the facts and the reasonable conclusions which would be drawn by any famous Scientist, such as myself.
And if I have to make stuff up to prove my hypotheses, I promise not to get caught

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