Here's Your Delivery Stupid

I've had a few delivery jobs in my day, and the one constant in all of them is the customer. There are some wonderful people out there. Some people can really make you feel like you are doing something great for them, really making their day special. This article is not about them. I want to talk about the gems of ignorance that populate this world. Some of you may read this, and feel a sense of deja vu. If that is the case, think of this article as a list of things to work on to become less of a douche. Let's tackle the most egregious issue first.
The Entitlement Syndrome
I worked in a pizza shop for a few years. I can't count the number of times someone would call up on a Friday night at 6pm, and be outraged that it was going to take an hour to get their food. Do you really think that nobody else thought to call for take out at dinner time on a Friday? Honestly, there are so many dummies out there that really believe we opened 5 minutes before they called, and closed as soon as they got their pizza. That's like going to a football game and expecting the game to stop while you use the bathroom. "How dare you keep playing while I am in the bathroom! I'm a paying customer!" Well guess what stupid, you aren't the only paying customer. There are 50,000 other paying customers in the stadium that don't have to pee right now. Shut up and go, or hold it until halftime.
I really don't mind "going the extra mile" for customers. What bothers me is when they demand extra. Package delivery is a very fast paced, and intricate job. Most delivery drivers have a hundred or more stops to make over a 150-200 mile area. Some packages require that you be home to sign for them. Once again, some people feel that they are the only customer that matters. They come home to find that they missed the driver, and feel that it is our duty to drop what we are doing, and get them their package. They call customer service and tell horrific stories of what will happen if they don't get their box right away. Fine, maybe this package is that important. The problem is, it wasn't that important when they had it shipped to their house, knowing they would most likely be at work when it arrived. Why not have it delivered to your office? Why not have it held for pick up? Why not schedule an appointment? (probably because that costs extra) The point is, there were a number of ways to ensure this package getting to them exactly when they wanted it. They were just too lazy, cheap, or ignorant to do any of those things. And again, I have gone far out of my way many times to get a box to someone who needed it. But in those cases, I spoke to the people and they were apologetic and grateful, not demanding. Once an attempt is made, it is really the drivers choice if he wants to go back, so be nice and he may help you out.
Awkward Small Talk
This is a much more innocent offense that comes from the need to engage people in idle chit-chat. Basically what I am saying is, I hear a lot of the same things everyday. Here are a few of the standouts.
"I've been waiting for this"
I never know how to handle this one. It's very ambiguous in the sense that I'm not sure if it's a passive aggressive complaint. I usually just nonchalantly respond: "Ah, good, here ya go"
"What is this?"
How the hell should I know? Do I work for QVC? It's addressed to you, that means you ordered it. How about you tell me what it is, or just take it inside so I can go.
"Are you sure you have the right house?"
Alright look, this one bugs me a lot. I'm not a doctor. I didn't have to go to a specialized school for 8 years to do this. But I have a LOT of experience, and I know what I am doing. By asking me if I have the right house, you are implying that I am shitty at my job. Of course I have the right house, I know how to look at and comprehend numbers.
"Is that my million dollars?"
I get this one a bunch. I realize people are just trying to be clever and funny, but this one is popular. I usually just throw the same unoriginal hack line back at them: "Ha, ha yeah, but there might be some missing!" I know, YUCK. Here's a tip, in all my years only one person has ever said: "Is that my Heroin?"

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