You Need To Be Wiping With Wet Wipes

If you are still just using regular toilet paper as a means to getting clean after dropping a load then I urge you to re-consider your level of cleanliness. I recall as a very young child, my pops wiping my butt after I pooped. Each time he finished by saying, "clean as a whistle!" It's that phrase among others my dad would say that will stay with me forever, but I recall by no means actually feeling as clean as a sparkling unused silver whistle, which is what I assumed each time he'd use the phrase. After all a whistle is something you put your mouth on, so it better be clean, I've by no means felt my butt was clean enough after a shit storm to have my own mouth on it and not call it a health gamble. That's because no matter how attentively you wipe there is still remnants of poop down there!! Duh, you're wiping with dry toilet paper!
It puzzles me that someone who opts not to apply wet wipes actually feels like they are clear down south by just dry wiping. It's quite simple, anyone who takes a second to think about it should realize that after they crap and wipe their arse, they are dirty down there. We're talking about poo here people!
Let's say you drop the kids off at the pool, wipe normally and suddenly get a booty call shortly after. Would you feel sexy doing a 68+1 with the girl your trying to impress knowing you haven't showered since your last #2? I can only think that Tucker Max would positively prefer to purposely neglect the wet wipe before sending a girl downtown, you definitely wouldn't want a chicks posterior in your face who hasn't showered since her last deposit. Would you feel much better knowing they used wet wipes, or knowing that you did after your tennis match.... It doesn't matter if your a crumper or a folder, if you think that wiping with dry tp is practicing good hygiene, I challenge you to what I like to call the "wet wipe challenge".
The Wet Wipe Challenge
The wet wipe challenge, challenges you to shit normally, wipe Normally with your favorite and best tp until you feel you're finished and then hit yourself with a wet wipe and find what your butt cheeks were trying to hold onto. Yeah, pretty unsettling right? You'll find the culprit of itchy bunghole.
I recall vividly the day I saw wet wipes on the shelf at the store. It made so much sense, it was outstanding that companies started marketing them for adults. They are 100% safe for septic systems and alcohol free. They are readily available at almost any store that carries toiletries, my personal favorites are Target's brand of Up and Up flushable moist wipes, though I believe you can only buy them in stores and not online. Cottonelle makes a solid wet wipe as well. Inexpensive and a quality pop up dispenser is absolutely necessary. I've gotten almost everyone I know dependent on wet wipes, we talk about how we can never go back to crapping without them. I have a friend who has a travel pack in his desk drawer at work. When it's time to get busy, he puts one in his pocket and takes it into the little boys room with him. Now that's commitment to a sparkling starfish. There are those who still oppose the wet wipe and see it as unneeded.
The Opposers
Their complaints are that they don't like the sense of a moist pooper immediately after using the wet wipe. The other grievance is that they are ashamed to have friends see a box of wet wipes sitting on top of the toilet. My ex girlfriend would sneakily cover them whenever company were going to be present. I would inquire her why I ought be guilty that my "exit-only" is more decontaminated than theirs, and put them back out in plain sight, as if displaying a trophy of hygiene. Nearly all wet wipes are simply freshened with aloe and Vitamin E, two things that are delectable for an area as dark and soiled as the poop chute. The moisture is swiftly evaporated within seconds upon using a wet wipe and for those who honestly can't stand the clean refreshing sensation then I suggest wiping again with dry TP for your ultimate wipe.
We aren't handed a guide on life when we're born, so I decided to publish one on the process of the inexpressible #2. It's time to stop using practices developed by cavemen and start wiping like the civilized nation that we are. It's simple:
Step 1: Make your deposit (in a toilet).
Step 2: Wipe normally with toilet paper.
Step 3: Continue with wet wipe.
Step 4: Flush and wash hands (with soap and water).
Following this updated guideline to dumping gives you that shower clean spirit down there, it forbids dingle berries and leaves you feeling fresh and confident. It keeps the panties skidmark free and combats itchy butt hole. Just as those cosmetic face wipes that collect oil leave your face feeling energized, Wet wipes can be used anytime you're craving that clean feeling. Possibly you've been passing gas all morning after late night taco bell from last night, or you've got mud butt at work and need to rid of it fast. Just do a quick swipe with a wet wipe to get that instantaneous clean and fresh derriere. Happy wiping.

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