10 Ways to Screw Up an Interview!

1) Make a joke at the examiner's expense : This is a sure shot winner. Will definitely put you in the spotlight with some very bad light!
2) Sit down before the committee does: Well common courtesy aside, gives the committee the wrong impression. Make sure they realize that you have no respect whatsoever for them. If you're standing during the examination, well then you won't get this opportunity; though there are MANY other chances you still have!
3) Smile too much: It is often misconstrued as nervousness! DO NOT hide the pearly whites even if the examiners don't believe in returning the favor.
4) Try to be too convincing: Rest assured, there will some people on your panel determined to challenge anything you say. So best way to ensure the situation deteriorates further is by continuous nonsensical yapping even when the interviewer seems disgusted beyond repair.
5) Forget important technical terms : Alas! The human brain and its ways! At precisely the moment of truth, some of your brain cells voluntarily commit suicide and there is no way you can retrieve the lost information. Cash into the situation by staring blankly into mid-air or the conventional chewing of fingernails.
6) Have a blackout! : Very close to temporary amnesia but only a more TOTAL form of it. When all the voices in the room fade out and all you can see is black infinity. Don't worry though, it is usually a good thing. As in your case. the interview is soon going to end and someone smarter than you in going to get the gig. No one said it would be a good thing for YOU!
7) Wear uncomfortable clothing : This is like the silent killer. Because you feel a twitch and you can't get to it and its still irritating...so while the panel is asking questions you are busy focusing on cloth threads or that imaginary bed bug climbing up your back. Damn! If only you could get to that! Meanwhile, your audience is still wondering why even after such focus your answers are void.
8 ) Have a look at the clock : This is an absolute must! Having the realization that you have been drilled for so long and yet such little time has passed is an excruciating one! This is when time seems to stand still and you give up any hope of redemption. Let these brutes know that you're too scared to be with them in a room for more than 5 minutes and hence a working relationship is next to impossible!
9) Drink water: Contrary to what some people believe, drinking water never calms anyone's nerves! In fact on occasions, will activate the synapses suggesting nature's call in your head. Only adding to the sense of urgency in your head. The constipated look is a sure winner in this situation.
10) A No-show : Well if the previous steps didn't get you there, this surely will.It will definitely save you the anxiety during the exam. How about watching another rerun of Friends?

Here's Your Delivery Stupid

I've had a few delivery jobs in my day, and the one constant in all of them is the customer. There are some wonderful people out there. Some people can really make you feel like you are doing something great for them, really making their day special. This article is not about them. I want to talk about the gems of ignorance that populate this world. Some of you may read this, and feel a sense of deja vu. If that is the case, think of this article as a list of things to work on to become less of a douche. Let's tackle the most egregious issue first.
The Entitlement Syndrome
I worked in a pizza shop for a few years. I can't count the number of times someone would call up on a Friday night at 6pm, and be outraged that it was going to take an hour to get their food. Do you really think that nobody else thought to call for take out at dinner time on a Friday? Honestly, there are so many dummies out there that really believe we opened 5 minutes before they called, and closed as soon as they got their pizza. That's like going to a football game and expecting the game to stop while you use the bathroom. "How dare you keep playing while I am in the bathroom! I'm a paying customer!" Well guess what stupid, you aren't the only paying customer. There are 50,000 other paying customers in the stadium that don't have to pee right now. Shut up and go, or hold it until halftime.
I really don't mind "going the extra mile" for customers. What bothers me is when they demand extra. Package delivery is a very fast paced, and intricate job. Most delivery drivers have a hundred or more stops to make over a 150-200 mile area. Some packages require that you be home to sign for them. Once again, some people feel that they are the only customer that matters. They come home to find that they missed the driver, and feel that it is our duty to drop what we are doing, and get them their package. They call customer service and tell horrific stories of what will happen if they don't get their box right away. Fine, maybe this package is that important. The problem is, it wasn't that important when they had it shipped to their house, knowing they would most likely be at work when it arrived. Why not have it delivered to your office? Why not have it held for pick up? Why not schedule an appointment? (probably because that costs extra) The point is, there were a number of ways to ensure this package getting to them exactly when they wanted it. They were just too lazy, cheap, or ignorant to do any of those things. And again, I have gone far out of my way many times to get a box to someone who needed it. But in those cases, I spoke to the people and they were apologetic and grateful, not demanding. Once an attempt is made, it is really the drivers choice if he wants to go back, so be nice and he may help you out.
Awkward Small Talk
This is a much more innocent offense that comes from the need to engage people in idle chit-chat. Basically what I am saying is, I hear a lot of the same things everyday. Here are a few of the standouts.
"I've been waiting for this"
I never know how to handle this one. It's very ambiguous in the sense that I'm not sure if it's a passive aggressive complaint. I usually just nonchalantly respond: "Ah, good, here ya go"
"What is this?"
How the hell should I know? Do I work for QVC? It's addressed to you, that means you ordered it. How about you tell me what it is, or just take it inside so I can go.
"Are you sure you have the right house?"
Alright look, this one bugs me a lot. I'm not a doctor. I didn't have to go to a specialized school for 8 years to do this. But I have a LOT of experience, and I know what I am doing. By asking me if I have the right house, you are implying that I am shitty at my job. Of course I have the right house, I know how to look at and comprehend numbers.
"Is that my million dollars?"
I get this one a bunch. I realize people are just trying to be clever and funny, but this one is popular. I usually just throw the same unoriginal hack line back at them: "Ha, ha yeah, but there might be some missing!" I know, YUCK. Here's a tip, in all my years only one person has ever said: "Is that my Heroin?"

They Blinded Us With "Science!"

I Want That Job... And I Promise To Do Even Better
I finally found my true calling the other day, when I had the sad fortune to find a dead bunny rabbit just off the front porch of our country home. I conducted a thorough examination of the bunny's carcass before properly disposing of it - by which I mean, I looked at it from a safe and comfortable distance. I could not see what might've caused the bunny's demise, so of course I concluded that the poor wretch paid the ultimate price for the sinful climate change caused by humankind.
That's when it hit me - I'm a scientist! And, far as I know, a famous one! After all, anyone who can take the most casual glance at the slightest evidence and conclude a case for man-made global warming has a bright (some might say hot) future in science.
Tell you what, power feels good. I will be consulted by all, and begged for my pronouncements about the evil sins of humans, as well as those of business owners, Republicans, and Tea Partiers. "They're killing the planet!" I'll cry. And they'll totally believe me, totally, because I'm a Scientist!
I mean, that's pretty much what Charles Monnett did, and look how famous he is. What? You don't recognize the name? Well, he's the Scientist who flew over part of the arctic and saw a couple of deceased polar bears floating in the ocean. Or they might've been beige Volkswagens. Or vanilla ice cream. Or unusually large bunnies, like the one I saw! No, Monnett says, they were definitely polar bears, and he was able to determine from the airplane ('cause he's a Scientist) that global warming (and therefore President Bush, Big Oil, and greedy wealth-building corporations) was the cause.
Of course, Monnett was just placed on leave pending an investigation into allegations of scientific misconduct. Outrageous! I mean, this is the very dude who started the whole global-warming craze. This is the dude Al Gore first read (or was read to) about, and whose "work" is one of the pillars upon which the whole man-made climate change argument is based! Why, the very idea of investigating this guy is proof of a vast global conspiracy against Science!
On the basis of Monnett's "science," we should stop the witch-hunts and get back to the noble work of gutting the entire worldwide free market, removing the U.S. from world "dominance," ensuring equal redistribution of resources to the entire planet, and putting a more environmentally-trustworthy superpower (such as China) in charge of the world's climate. Because if we don't, a few dead polar bears and/or Volkswagens will be the least of our worries!
As part of the next generation of famous Scientists, I promise to do better. I promise to stick to Science, to obey its guiding principles, to remain objective and report only the facts and the reasonable conclusions which would be drawn by any famous Scientist, such as myself.
And if I have to make stuff up to prove my hypotheses, I promise not to get caught

Can Good Clean Fun Really Work?

A lot of the comedians around nowadays feel pressurized to be the funniest act out there and some are turning to vulgarities and shock tactics in order to get a few extra laughs. Humor today is getting more and more controversial as comedians find new ways to shock a laugh out of the audience and many comedy shows are no longer family-friendly occasions.
A lot of the older comedy acts such as Morecambe and Wise and Charlie Chaplin never used bad language or vulgarities, instead they focused on quick wit and physical slapstick comedy. These comedy acts didn't need to rely on black comedy or abusing the audience in order to get laughs, they were just funny. So is it a sign of our times then that many of our modern comedians rely so heavily on risqué material? Maybe not, as there still exists a breed of comedians considered "clean" and that are funny and successful.
Comedy doesn't have to be offensive to be funny like a lot of today's comedy shows; a story can be just as funny without using expletives. A lot of the comedians that promote clean comedy use anecdotal comedy to make their audiences laugh and get great results. Sometimes in life the most mundane things can be funny and it is up to the comedian to recognize this and make it funny. Comedy is all about recognition and once you have established some sort of common ground with an audience then it is easy to make them laugh without relying on risqué material.
Smutty or controversial comedy can sometimes exclude a large group of people who don't agree with foul language, whereas clean comedy can be enjoyed by a whole host of people. From the young to the old, good clean fun can appeal to almost anyone and is suitable for a wide range of occasions. If you want to spice up your convention or awards evening, then a clean comedian is the perfect addition. Clean comedy has a place at corporate events, family parties and even church fundraisers, so why not introduce a little fun into your next big function with a comedian!
Clean comedy is often overlooked as something that is not as funny as other forms of comedy but this simply isn't true. Sure, it's different but that isn't to say it isn't any less funny. Many people enjoy clean comedy but it does need to be marketed properly in order to get the right kind of audience through the doors. Clean comedy can be incredibly rewarding and beneficial for any event if promoted properly. Another popular misconception of clean comedy is that it is always religion based. This isn't always true; many clean comedians never even mention god or religion. Some acts do but not in a way that attempts to force you to change your religious beliefs, instead they merely presenting a difference point of view within an informal environment.
Clean comedy really can bring people together and get them having a good time. Parents, children and even grandparents can all get involved in clean comedy and enjoy themselves. As a parent you won't have to worry about any inappropriate material or language as the entertainment will be completely family friendly.

When You Get Enough Sleep, Even Your Dreams Say Thank You!

Everyone deserves the RIGHT to sleep 24/7! I used to feel that I had to share with everyone my formula for peaceful, rejuvenating sleep: A great mattress, real cotton (instead of "percale", percale is synthetic nylon/plastic mixed in with cotton, ouch!) sheets and pillowcases, and a down pillow, (hold the quills please!) Now I know that recommending a good mattress, cotton sheets, etc., is being insensitive, because until we all have our basic needs met, only elitists have the arrogance to assume that everyone CAN sleep in the first place! Some people have to work 3 or more jobs, and are lucky if they ever get any shut-eye, at all, and, it is naive to assume that everyone has the luxury of a bed, or even clothes for themselves, let alone bed clothes, etc! In Mongolian villages, in China, people sleep on stone slabs, talk about mattress firmness! Even that, however is a step, or quite a few steps, up from homelessness!
Sleep has been a real issue with me ever since I was a toddler, because instead of ever getting enough sleep, I tossed and turned due to having tremendous stresses. My Mom was always threatening to trade me in for an adopted child! She also was so controlling that she insisted that we ( my two siblings, an older and a younger brother and I) slept in a certain way: we HAD to sleep with our arms up, and out from under the covers! I only learned the why of that later: it was so that we might avoid self stimulation! lol I am still trying to make up for all the lost sleep of my youth, so if I could be sure an induced coma would be possible to do without any physical or mental damage, I might agree to it. I want to sleep so much that I would even want to sleep walk to eat, drink, etc. In this way I could have continuous pleasant REM dream sleep!
What would the world be like, though if everyone slept 24/7? Well zero wars, for one! But realistically, until we do have a utopia where we all have leisure, we will have to settle for what, hopefully, high quality REM sleep we can get! If I had to settle for fewer hours of sleep than I get now, I would want to avoid tiresome people, because I would be tired enough myself! If I could, I would choose to associate only with people who made me laugh, or even better, people who would make me laugh and cry simultaneously, because then I would be multi-tasking in addition to laughing AND crying!
We might all get more, and a better quality of sleep if we sent all those individuals who have an overabundance of ego and/or drama back to Kindergarten, regardless of their age, because they may need to learn how to play! I would make sure that the Kindergarten teachers were all like Arthur and his butler (in the original "Arthur" movie, with Dudley Moore and Liza Minelli, instead of the recent remake), so that everyone played to their hearts content, instead of being disciplined, at all, because most disciplining involves the breaking of one's spirit, IMHO. I would have everyone stay in kindergarten until they played the "heck" out of play. If anyone took play seriously in these "post kindergartens", they would be held back, made to repeat "post kindergarten", until they could MASTERFULLY PLAY without seriousness, and without ego and or drama, and maybe even without any awareness or thought that they are playing at all! Being playful as adults is so necessary, because we all need to learn how to take our selves less seriously.
We might all be able to get more sleep and a better quality of sleep, too, if being serious could be considered a crime. Then, maybe, there would be some practical function to criminal law! Instead, what criminal law is today, is mostly bullying, especially of the poor and those who know too much, i.e., whistleblowers and those who could provide evidence, about who the real crooks and lawbreakers are! I wish there would be fines assessed on people who have extreme egos and/or are extremely dramatic. Also, taxation might be more legitimate, and people might see paying taxes as more valid if, in addition to getting services for our taxes, taxpayers would be taxed for demanding attention from other taxpayers.These people who demand too much attention are "taxing" people, they make me exhausted just thinking of how needy they are! Think about how much more focused and productive we all might be if people stopped distracting us with their "hellos" all the time!

Why Humour Is the Most Successful Ingredient in Advertising - Funny Commercials

Traditional advertising focused on pitching to people's emotional needs, wants and fears; as a way to grow or instill the idea that a particular product would solve a particular problem or make life easier in a previously impossible way. These techniques often played upon our own misgivings about our lives with promises, true or false, that a particular product would "help" us. These advertising techniques have proved incredibly useful when it comes to selling products but in the last 3 decades (or thereabouts) there has been a shift within advertising towards humour based commercials and campaigns.
The key reason for this is not simply that it is a more effective selling technique; as humour is often deeply personal and hugely variable between potential demographics. Rather humour has become a key advertising technique thanks to the demographic shifts that have taken place amongst populations. In explanation of this point we have to follow the money. Traditionally the people with, what the marketing industry calls, "disposable income" were those in later life; adults, past the age of 35, with grown-up children who had left home, and a paid off mortgage. These individuals were the ones that you were most likely to sell non-necessity items to.
Now however the key demographic groups with disposable income are those aged 16-30. These groups have low outgoings, no mortgages and large amounts of disposable income. Further these groups are part of the technology revolution. They have grown up with TV, video games, the internet and smart phones. This has made them a lot savvier to advertising techniques and much less open to the emotional triggers that made up traditional advertising methods. The groups with the largest disposable incomes are the most profitable markets and advertisers have had to shift their strategies to meet the expectations and wants of these groups.
The key technique they have used is humour. A funny commercial or advertising campaign has a number of significant benefits in terms of creating purchasing power. Initially we can see that a funny commercial has the advantage of being able to disguise emotional triggers using a veil of humour. Generally we laugh at others slip ups and misfortunes and advertisers have been quick to use these to catch our attention. They form a key ingredient of humour by making us laugh on the basis that the given misfortune, or situation, is not befalling us. In the context of advertising this can be used to make light of fears whilst still using the emotional triggers that make us go - "well if I don't buy that this could easily happen to me." Of course the advertising is more sophisticated than this, but this shows the basic technique.
However, this is just one of the ways humour has proved effective in advertising campaigns. Humorous commercials also have the ability to go viral, both online and offline, and this is a huge boost to brand identity for companies. Having your advert laughed at and talked about exposes people to your products and makes them much more likely to purchase from you. These advantages have meant that humour has become one of the most successful advertising methods available and companies can ignore it only at their peril.

Who's Exhausted?

I'm not a morning person, never have been. In fact, I have a love hate relationship with my snooze button. I need her, rely on her, religiously check on her just in case, but every morning I blindly smack her quiet for that luxurious ten more minutes of sleep. Who am I kidding? I set her for 6:30, but shush her half a dozen times before my husband has to coerce me out of bed with coffee at 7. And that's on a good day.
The worse days entail me waking up to my fourteen year old standing above me citing I have fifteen minutes to get dressed and out the door. Better believe I've long since given up fixing my face and hair unless I can work that in while I warm up the car. I usually focus on just trying not to wear the same outfit two days in a row and some weeks I don't even manage that.
Life is exhausting. On the occasions I dare to glance in the mirror, I often find a haggard reflection of myself staring back at me complete with dark shadows that insist on making a permanent home just beneath my eyes, the twenty pounds I could stand to lose but instead rest comfortably around my waist and under my chin, and those stubborn loose strands of hair that never seem to make it into my imperfect pony tail.
I'm not exactly sure how I got here, I only know that I'm here now. It's the story of my life, stressful and chaotic, twenty years running. I feel like the colored version of Roseanne Conner, armed with a comical snarky attitude to deal with the pandemonium that makes up my existence, only I don't get paid a $100,000 dollars per nightly episode.
Some days are so crazy my brain hurts by noon. There's just too much to remember, too much to do, and not enough time to get it all done before midnight, before my daily to do list renews itself and I find myself backed up several tasks from the day before. This is usually the grand entrance to one of my crap-I-don't-think-I-can-do-this-anymore days.
I find myself secretly pining for a simpler life. One without all the madness, where the kids don't outnumber the adults, the laundry is always done, peace and quiet is the norm not the exception, and my expenses never exceed my income. A life where my thoughts aren't drowned out by the sound of screaming kids. One where I actually have time to blow dry my hair in the morning, maybe even curl it, and apply my make up in front of a full size bathroom mirror and not the rear view mirror of my car.
A life like that can sound pretty attractive sometimes. In the least, it sounds far less tiring than the bedlam I battle everyday just trying to get the kids to take regular showers or the dogs to stop eating from the bathroom garbage.
Of course, I eventually get to thinking some more - about my kids, my family, friends, work, school, my writing, all the things I want for myself and my kids. All these things that engulf me, try my will, my patience, and drive me nuts, they're also what give me purpose. My rhyme and my reason.
This is where I have my moment of clarity, when I remember that the grass isn't greener on the other side. Raising a family, being a good friend, having a career, just trying to live out life, daring to catch a few dreams for yourself while you're at it, all of that takes hard work and yes, it is overwhelming, and exhausting, and emotionally draining, but when has anything worth having ever been easy?
At the end of the day, I believe we all have the lives we want, or rather the lives we're willing to work for. This chaos, the noise and constant hustle that's made up the last two decades of my life, is merely the rhythm to which I live, and truthfully, this crazy life of mine is worth all the effort I put into it.

When The Luna Hits Your Eye Like A Big Pizza Pie: Naming The Moon

Mercury and Venus are the only two planets in our solar system that have no satellites, no moons. Neptune has thirteen moons with names like Triton and Nalad to remind of Greek gods. Uranus, the favorite planetary body of snickering school children, has twenty seven. The names of the moons of Uranus are borrowed from the works of William Shakespeare. The names include Ophelia, Cordelia, Puck and Prospero. Saturn is not satisfied with rings alone. It has sixty-one moons in its possession. Again these moons have the names of Greek gods. Titan, Atlas and Pan to name a few. Next comes Jupiter with sixty-three, again named from the mythology of the Greeks. Even the lowly, decommissioned, space-rock-Pluto has three, Charon, Nix and Hydra, the serpent water beast.
The only moon in the sky that isn't named is ours. The Moon orbiting the Earth. Some will claim our moon is named Luna. But Luna isn't a name it is a label. It has no meaning beyond its definition. It is a simple place holder like the Latin inscriptions under pinned butterflies. No one calls the Earth Terra or the Moon Luna. No one does things but the Light Of The Silvery Luna. No one goes out to look at the full Luna. The cow didn't jump over the Luna and there is no Harvest Luna, large and low in the autumn sky.
Originally the Earth was thought to be the center of the universe. The sun, the moon, and all the heavens revolved around the Earth while the Earth stood majestically stationary in the sky. Could this be part of the reason our Moon is simply labeled and goes un-named? Is it based on a conceit? Is it because it is the closest to us and the first heavenly body to be closely observed? Is it because we thought of it as the one and only? Then why did we bother to name the first man and woman? Why not just Man and Woman?
We have a Man-In-The-Moon, is his name Luna? Is that his first or last name? I think our Moon deserves more than a label, it deserves a name. Should it be heavenly, of the gods? Should it be magical, befitting the controller of the tides. Should it be philosophical, befitting its influence over human behavior, its ability to cause lunacy? If, according to Olde Shakespeare, Juliet is the sun does that suggest a name? Can you suggest one?

How to Fight Like Michael Jackson

Picture this: It's a few hundred years in the future. Society has already been torn by famine and wars. People have turned to music to bring some enjoyment to their miserable lives.
Music has become so instantaneous that we can now listen to it as soon as it's done being recorded by the musicians. Fighting and dancing are now synonymous. Fight moves and dance moves are one and the same. It's capuera on steroids.
The most popular type of martial arts is the Michael Jackson martial arts. You see two rival gangs in a battle. One gang is fighting in the style of the "Beat-It" music video while the other is following the "Bad" music video. The two gangs are fighting over what is left of the summer harvest. Both gangs enter the battle, but only a few of each gang survives.
What makes this world so dangerous? The fact that people love to dance and now they love to fight because there is no difference in this future scenario world.
But what are the differences? If fighting is a form of exercise as Tae Bo and the countless other workout videos seem to say then why can't fighting be a form of dance?
The Brazilians already figured out that it is... well their martial arts, known as Capuera, is. When you watch two capuera fighters it seems like you're watching a dance unfold. But watching any form of martial arts can seem like a dance. Watch two martial artists fight to a song and you'll see how true that statement is.
Both fighting and dancing uses the body in a way that can seem violent or graceful. They make the body move in ways that are otherwise unnatural. Some martial arts are based on animals so why can't some dances also be based in the way an animal moves?
I used to take Kung Fu lessons and when I was being taught by my Sifu (My Kung Fu teacher) he played music in the background so that we may strike with our attacks after feeling the beat of the music. He told me and his other students that the music would help you not just fight, but feel and connect to your body so that our strikes would be more graceful.
Dancing is another big part of my life. I love dancing, not professionally, but I love it nonetheless! The music also brings a connection to your body allowing the dance to be graceful.
So the difference between fighting and dancing? One is generally used while following music even though they could both just as easily follow music as well.

A Few Funny Facts About the White House

There is an old joke about President Taft who was greatly overweight. A boy was talking to his mother at breakfast looking out over the ocean. He said, "Mother, can I go swimming?" She smiled and answered, "Not now, David. The president is using the ocean."
Each of our presidents had a favorite food. Taft was a ham man while FDR liked Welch Rabbit, a cheesy concoction spread over toast. I'm sure that President Taft would have loved that too. Now that would have added to his girth.
George W. Bush loved huevos rancheros or "ranch eggs" which happens to be my favorite Mexican dish although I can get away with not having it for about one week.
As Taft was broad, Lincoln was tall. His mother said that if he grew still taller she would have to scrub her whitewashed ceiling. Lincoln is said to have picked up a couple of boys who had found walking barefoot in mud and he had them "walk" on the ceiling. His mother thought that was very funny but Abe had to whitewash the ceiling.
When a lady sat on Lincoln's top hat he said that all she had to do was ask and he would have told her it would not fit her.
From President Washington's hounds to President Obama's Portuguese Water Dog, our presidents have owned dogs. Maybe you remember a couple of uproars about presidents and their dogs. Mrs. FDR took her mutt, Fido, on a military flight kicking a soldier off. President Lyndon B. Johnson hung his Basset by holding its ears. Johnson said that was good for Bassets.
Johnson's dog, Him, was run over and killed on the White House grounds. (Where was the Secret Service?)
Herbert Hoover's son raised alligators in the White House.
George Washington, the third president of the Continental Congress, was the first to be called, President of the United States. He approved the Great Seal of the United States. He was not elected by the people.
Jimmy Carter was the first president to be born in a hospital. President Jefferson stopped bowing and started hand shaking as a greeting. He was very intelligent. President Kennedy said to a group of top scientist and other scholarly types that it was the largest gathering of great minds since President Jefferson sat in his study by himself.
Four of our presidents have been assassinated, Abraham Lincoln, James Garfield, William McKinley and John F. Kennedy. There have been attempts on Andrew Jackson, FDR, Truman, Ford and Reagan. Reagan was seriously wounded and it was a miracle that the doctors were able to save him.
Some of our presidents had miraculous powers. George Washington was said to cure lepers. Lincoln was said to make a cow disappear in his hat. Hmm!
Well we know that our presidents can change things or make them disappear.
George W. Bush made the Clinton surplus disappear.
Obama made our impression that he was intelligent disappear.
Would-be John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate and made the presidency disappear. (The current rumor has it that Sarah Palin has made her breast appear much larger.)

Congress Shall Dress Like Clowns - A Constitutional Amendment

Proposed Amendment to the U.S. Constitution
The Congressional Clown Amendment
"If Congress is gonna act like clowns they should dress like clowns"
We, the people, hereby state that for decades U.S. elected politicians have spent all our money, passed too many stupid and restrictive regulations, interfered with our individual rights, liberties and freedoms, disregarded the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights, and governed badly and arrogantly, bringing the United States to the brink of ruin and collapse.
We, the people of the United States of America, hereby declare that our elected representatives and government officials have deemed themselves no longer accountable to the people, or to the U.S. Constitution, and instead have turned American economic, political and social governance into a government not "of the people, by the people and for the people" but a government "of the government, by the government, and for the government".
This shall not stand. This is fundamentally un-American, intolerable, and must be addressed and changed. We, the people, are dismayed, disgruntled and yea, disgusted with our self-serving self-empowered politicians in Washington and hereby petition for redress from our government as follows...
We, the people, hereby declare that, in usurping the power and will of the people, our elected representatives are acting like clowns. And so, by Constitutional amendment, we, the people, hereby declare that, as our elected representatives act like clowns they shall also dress like clowns.
By Constitutional amendment all 435 elected representatives of the House of Representatives, all 100 elected members of the United States Senate, and the President of the United States shall, when performing their sworn duties, wear a classic and colorful clown outfit, complete with a clown wig, face makeup, red nose, and clown feet.
This shall also apply to any candidate or incumbent running for election or re-election at the federal level.
"As Congress shall act like clowns so shall they dress like clowns."
So say we, the people, of the country of the United States of America. 235 years old. 306 million strong.

Locked Out

No one likes to get locked out of the house, especially in the winter.
The house is your sanctuary, your safe place. It represents shelter, security, and warmth. Heck, the Xbox, potato chips, and Twizzlers are in there.
Last February, in the frozen foods aisle of Mother Nature's supermarket, Green Bay, I had the house to myself for the afternoon and my mind set on doing some much needed cleaning. I was dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and slippers, having passed out of my experimental women's clothing phase weeks earlier.
Job one was vacuuming. Our gaggle of cats produces an extraordinary amount of fur and I quickly filled the Dyson with the equivalent of an entire animal's worth of hair. I strolled into the garage to empty the vacuum, making sure to close the door behind me so as not to let any cats or precious heated air escape on this frigid day.
I was on a roll, getting things done, taking care of business, moving, shaking, rocking, and rolling, until my hand hit the door handle on the way back into the house - it refused to move. After trying everything I could think of to open the stubborn door (i.e. jiggling the handle a lot), it was apparent that I wasn't getting into the house through the way I came in.
The first thought I had was how did that door get locked? Could it have been my daughter playing with the lock? Did it jam? Mischievous ghosts? Subsequent, less rational thoughts involved finding items to make a fire (wooden shelves and gasoline were considered) and selecting a place to relieve myself (garbage cans and a child's bicycle helmet were possibilities). No matter, I had to figure out a way to get back in the house, as the sub zero weather would not be forgiving to a man in slippers and a 1984 Huey Lewis t-shirt.
My best bet was to hope that I had carelessly left one of the other three doors to our house unlocked. In order to check, I had to go outside, dressed more for a hot toddy in front of a fireplace than an expedition through the frozen snow accumulating in my yard. I scavenged around in the garage and found a pair of rain boots that were a decided improvement over slippers. And although I didn't find a coat, some old moving blankets would have to do.
The image of Clark Griswold keeping warm in his attic briefly flashed through my brain as I left the garage to check the other three doors. No dice, Chicago. They were locked down tighter than a Ned Flanders alibi.
I rushed back to the relative warmth of the garage, breathing heavily partly as a result of the frigid air assaulting my lungs, partly because walking around the house now constitutes a serious workout in my sedentary existence.
I needed to come up with a new plan - my freezing toes were barking to me that the garage was not a long-term solution. I basically had two realistic options: walk next door to a kindly elderly neighbor and ask to use her phone or walk about a quarter mile to my mother in law's house along the golf course and get a spare key.
Not wanting to look like a fool, I of course chose the only real option, the long walk to my mother in law's house. I would be far less embarrassed asking her for help. After all, I've seen her without her teeth in.
So I set out to Grama's house, selecting the shortest route, through backyards along the deserted golf course. While the most direct route, as I struggled to wade through the literally foot deep snow, I realized this may have been a mistake. My heart was thumping, my breathing was short and fast, and I started to believe there was a strong possibility that I would perish right there in my kindly elderly neighbor's back yard, discovered face down sometime during the spring thaw by a golfer unsure if hitting a lifeless corpse results in a two stroke penalty.
Well, needless to say, I didn't expire that afternoon, and survived the incident with only damage to the part of my brain that abbreviates stories. Grama provided her spare key, loaned me her car, and I got back into my castle without further ado, where I decided to sit down safely for the rest of the afternoon, Xbox controller and Twizzlers firmly in hand.

Secrets to 3 Common Objections

Being a typical bloke, I'm terrible at multitasking, never ask for directions when lost in the car and would never, under any circumstances, ask for assistance in a store.
Have you ever been in a store browsing and a sales assistant comes up to you unannounced "can I help you Sir?" When this happens to me I instinctively say "no thanks, just looking" even if I actually do need some help.  This instinctive knee-jerk reaction is commonplace when selling, particularly on the phone.
The golden rule with handling knee-jerk reservations, is to appreciate that most customers will have a negative initial reaction to a sales call. You've interrupted them, they probably weren't expecting you and possibly don't want to speak with you, so they'll quickly come up with a reason to get you off the phone. It's natural; you'd do the same wouldn't you?
If you're sure of the value you can provide, then plan a response to the common objections you'll get.  I stress this, plan your approach, don't can it or sound as though you're reading off a script.  Yuk.
Typical knee-jerk reactions are "I wouldn't be interested right now" and "I need to think about it" or "I already have that covered"
Remember they just want to get rid of you, these are knee-jerk reactions. Deal with the initial retort and you could be on a roll.
I wouldn't be interested right now
You need to come back on this one, "I know you must get a lot of calls on this and this must be tiring...let me just say Bob, that this call will honestly make a difference to you"
Then come back with some more value that you can provide.
I need to think about it
This is a classic because it's hiding something. We need to isolate what that is. Customers use this when they're busy and want you to go away but they don't want to tell you directly.
Be open with them "Bob, I see...however, when I say that to people, I normally mean one of three things.  1. I'm not going to do anything here, 2. I like the idea but I have no budget or 3. I like the idea but I see some problems. Bob, do you mind me asking which one are you?"
I already have that covered.
"That's great Bob and I'm glad you have this covered. But if you ever have a need to compare with another supplier, can I ask that you consider me? Bob, before I go...what might be happening for you to be considering someone different?"

Internet Memes: What Are They?

History of Internet Memes
Historically, an internet meme was a bit of cultural information that was spread through word of mouth. This usually took the form of a story, a fable /parable, or a joke. But because of increasing technology, internet memes now travel much faster than spoken word. We see and hear them all the time now, but what is the origin of Internet memes?
Origin of Memes
A Meme is an idea that was defined by Richard Dawkins in his book Selfish Gene in 1976. It was formally defined as a unit of cultural transmission or a unit of imitation. Examples of this would be songs, ideas, slogans, fashions, and jokes. Richard Dawkins was an evolutionist scientist, who was interested in memes, and their relationship with the gene pool. A meme is a piece of cognitive information that becomes behavior, which people replicate. Today, memes are studied less by biologists (like Richard Dawkin) and more by sociologists and psychologists, and more. However, the memes most important task, which is what makes it a meme, is that it is shared and / or replicated over and over again, this is the core of what is an internet meme.
What is an Internet Meme?
Now, what is an Internet Meme? Put simply the Internet meme is a picture, video or other media. that has passed electronically from one Internet user to another.
Due to the increased power of the Internet for communication, memes have experienced a dramatic change in the 21st century in their ability to spread and influence culture. Due to the speed at which they can travel through media avenues, they have become fairly common phenomenon. They are often completely random, and with little depth. A definition proposed by the Urban Dictionary describes the word, an internet meme is a"internet information generator, especially of random or no information content." So if you've heard of memes and are searching Google for "what a meme is", with the hope of being filled with some insightful and stimulating secret, then you may be discouraged. However, the fact that you've heard of them, proves that Internet Memes are influencing culture.
Who creates Memes?
It's very possible you're now thinking, who creates them? As mentioned previously, memes are not very intelligent looking, sometimes, one can't even understand them. They are random, crazy, somtimes even ugly, stupid and all together meaningless, and if you have used any time on the Internet, you know, that this material is everywhere. However, the definition of a meme requires that the meme become popular. So, although there are many potentials created every day, it's not official. Becoming "official" is very vague and difficult to predict. The story of the Milhouse meme is a perfect example. 4chan is a forum where many of the popular memes become official. A well-known debate on this site was Milhouse, from the Simpsons. For several years, the legitimacy of Milhouse was hotly debated.
Its acceptance has been so hotly contested that it has become a meme of protest. The protest against him was strong enough to make Milhouse famous, and therefore by definition is a meme. The term "Milhouse is not a meme" is a paradoxical statement that is used to refer to a protesting meme.

You Need To Be Wiping With Wet Wipes

If you are still just using regular toilet paper as a means to getting clean after dropping a load then I urge you to re-consider your level of cleanliness. I recall as a very young child, my pops wiping my butt after I pooped. Each time he finished by saying, "clean as a whistle!" It's that phrase among others my dad would say that will stay with me forever, but I recall by no means actually feeling as clean as a sparkling unused silver whistle, which is what I assumed each time he'd use the phrase. After all a whistle is something you put your mouth on, so it better be clean, I've by no means felt my butt was clean enough after a shit storm to have my own mouth on it and not call it a health gamble. That's because no matter how attentively you wipe there is still remnants of poop down there!! Duh, you're wiping with dry toilet paper!
It puzzles me that someone who opts not to apply wet wipes actually feels like they are clear down south by just dry wiping. It's quite simple, anyone who takes a second to think about it should realize that after they crap and wipe their arse, they are dirty down there. We're talking about poo here people!
Let's say you drop the kids off at the pool, wipe normally and suddenly get a booty call shortly after. Would you feel sexy doing a 68+1 with the girl your trying to impress knowing you haven't showered since your last #2? I can only think that Tucker Max would positively prefer to purposely neglect the wet wipe before sending a girl downtown, you definitely wouldn't want a chicks posterior in your face who hasn't showered since her last deposit. Would you feel much better knowing they used wet wipes, or knowing that you did after your tennis match.... It doesn't matter if your a crumper or a folder, if you think that wiping with dry tp is practicing good hygiene, I challenge you to what I like to call the "wet wipe challenge".
The Wet Wipe Challenge
The wet wipe challenge, challenges you to shit normally, wipe Normally with your favorite and best tp until you feel you're finished and then hit yourself with a wet wipe and find what your butt cheeks were trying to hold onto. Yeah, pretty unsettling right? You'll find the culprit of itchy bunghole.
I recall vividly the day I saw wet wipes on the shelf at the store. It made so much sense, it was outstanding that companies started marketing them for adults. They are 100% safe for septic systems and alcohol free. They are readily available at almost any store that carries toiletries, my personal favorites are Target's brand of Up and Up flushable moist wipes, though I believe you can only buy them in stores and not online. Cottonelle makes a solid wet wipe as well. Inexpensive and a quality pop up dispenser is absolutely necessary. I've gotten almost everyone I know dependent on wet wipes, we talk about how we can never go back to crapping without them. I have a friend who has a travel pack in his desk drawer at work. When it's time to get busy, he puts one in his pocket and takes it into the little boys room with him. Now that's commitment to a sparkling starfish. There are those who still oppose the wet wipe and see it as unneeded.
The Opposers
Their complaints are that they don't like the sense of a moist pooper immediately after using the wet wipe. The other grievance is that they are ashamed to have friends see a box of wet wipes sitting on top of the toilet. My ex girlfriend would sneakily cover them whenever company were going to be present. I would inquire her why I ought be guilty that my "exit-only" is more decontaminated than theirs, and put them back out in plain sight, as if displaying a trophy of hygiene. Nearly all wet wipes are simply freshened with aloe and Vitamin E, two things that are delectable for an area as dark and soiled as the poop chute. The moisture is swiftly evaporated within seconds upon using a wet wipe and for those who honestly can't stand the clean refreshing sensation then I suggest wiping again with dry TP for your ultimate wipe.
We aren't handed a guide on life when we're born, so I decided to publish one on the process of the inexpressible #2. It's time to stop using practices developed by cavemen and start wiping like the civilized nation that we are. It's simple:
Step 1: Make your deposit (in a toilet).
Step 2: Wipe normally with toilet paper.
Step 3: Continue with wet wipe.
Step 4: Flush and wash hands (with soap and water).
Following this updated guideline to dumping gives you that shower clean spirit down there, it forbids dingle berries and leaves you feeling fresh and confident. It keeps the panties skidmark free and combats itchy butt hole. Just as those cosmetic face wipes that collect oil leave your face feeling energized, Wet wipes can be used anytime you're craving that clean feeling. Possibly you've been passing gas all morning after late night taco bell from last night, or you've got mud butt at work and need to rid of it fast. Just do a quick swipe with a wet wipe to get that instantaneous clean and fresh derriere. Happy wiping.

Blood on the Lens

"If it bleeds, it leads" is local TV's aphorism that dictates its belief that fires, car crashes, and shootings lead off the nightly newscast. These stories, of course, are more "visual" and easier to cover than poverty, worker exploitation, and the health care crisis.
But, now and then, it's hard to find an assortment of adrenaline-enhanced stories. And so it was that WOW-TV's panicked station manager met with his news director late one afternoon to go over the final line-up for the 6 O'clock news, which, with few variants would be the same news the station would run in its "expanded news coverage" shows over the next 24 hours. The station manager wasn't happy.
"What do you mean leading off the news with a report that some jokers at the Public Health Service found the cure for AIDS? Weren't there any accidents? Fires? Murders!"
"Sorry, Boss, there's nothing out there."
"NOTHING?! 'Nothing' as in 'no accidents,' or 'nothing' as in 'You're about to get a job at Kwik-E-Mart'?!"
"Boss, we really tried. I have five camera crews running around right now."
"Think you can get two of them to run into each other? We'd pay the hospital bills."
"Boss, don't you remember? The union made us agree to a six-month moratorium on stories that involve us maiming our crews just for the sake of ratings?"
"Some union," the station manager huffed. "Doesn't even want its members to get more air time."
"It's only for six months," said the news director. "After that, maybe we could cut the brake linings on Unit 3 and have Unit 4 cover it. But for right now, the news scanner is dead."
"What happened to that fatality on Honeysuckle?"
"By the time we scrambled the chopper, the drivers had exchanged insurance numbers and left."
"Left!?" thundered the station manager. "No one leaves when there's a camera crew on the way!"
"Best we could figure out, it was just a few paint scratches."
"Any of the cars red? If you got there faster, it might have looked like blood. Check the cops again. They might be covering up something."
"Sorry, Boss. Even Philly's not reporting any murders in the past 24 hours."
"Then go out and shoot someone!" the station manager demanded.
"Sorry, Boss, I can't do that."
"Yeah, you're right," said the station manager. "Tell Susie Sweetwater to do it. Her ratings are down. This should help."
"Susie's in the middle of her reading class right now, and you know how she hates to be disturbed when she's learning new words."
"Then Heartthrob! Audiences salivate whenever he's on. The public would back him even if he had assault weapons and made welsh rarebit out of the Easter Bunny."
"It's an hour until air," the news director reminded the station manager. "Hearthrob's already in Makeup. They're darkening his hair tonight."
"Celebrities!" shouted the station manager. "Audiences love train wrecks, and celebrities do it better than anyone! Find me Lindsay Lohan!"
"We have two crews on her now," said the news director, "but all she's doing is drinking and partying. Besides, we've done that story five times this month."
"What about the Jersey Shore morons."
"They're currently destroying what's left of the Roman civilization, and we can't afford to send a crew."
"Get me a fire! Forest. Trailer. Stove. I don't care!" the station manager demanded, smashing his coffee mug against his desk, and cutting his wrist. "BLOOD!" he shouted. "We have blood!"
"It's only a scratch," said the news director.
"It's blood! And it's good for a grabber. Grab a producer. Come in with an extreme close-up full-frame, and then pull back to a medium shot. Dissolve to some of the footage of the Vancouver fans rioting when their team lost the Stanley Cup. Here's your lead: Violence in Canada leads to blood-letting in America." He paused a moment. "Make sure you run teasers on this every five minutes."

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